Beatles albums ranked in order of gayness

In 2018 gossip rags lit up with the news that Paul McCartney had admitted to once masturbating with John Lennon. Of course, this wasn’t a surprise to longtime queer Beatles fans, who had spent their thirteenth years combing Lennon biographies for references to group sex, Barcelona honeymoons with Brian Epstein, and secret romances with early, tragic, and hot fifth Beatle Stu Sutcliffe. Or maybe I was the only thirteen year old with a gay John Lennon fixation. Shush. Stop looking at me like that.

You, too, John.

Kids today have it much easier. They only need to mosey over to AO3’s hundreds of fics under the McLennon pairing to get their fix of some fab four queerness. But I’m old school. My favorite way to queer the Beatles is to listen to their very own music.

Because, quite frequently, it’s hella gay.

Which is why today, in the interest of procrastination and (as Macca would put it) “good harmless fun”, I bring you my ranking of the Beatles albums, in order of gayness.

Because we must have standards, I’m limiting this list to LPs that were released during their tenure as an actual band — UK releases, except for Magical Mystery Tour, which is…